you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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