my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize