God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
