I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
