If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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