Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
