I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
