Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
