I cannot find my penis.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Congratulations! We have a period
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