FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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