im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
