i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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