my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My bed is full of blood and feathers
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
