I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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