I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
