Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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