You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
