my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
