Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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