Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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