Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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