dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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