dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
