I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
