i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Are my feet made of real feet?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
that may or may not have been my penis.
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