i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
