I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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