i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I've blown a few things in my day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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