I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
