Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
