I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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