you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
