Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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