I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
