I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize