I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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