Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
