dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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