If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
