Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
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