i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this just has baby written all over it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
