All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
