i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
