Porn is love you can see.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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