It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
