Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize