We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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