12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize