We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
