How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
