Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
