Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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