You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
