I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
