my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
