I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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