Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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