I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize