Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
