Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
