I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
