so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
a search helicopter?!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
