This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
