You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
