Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
