I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
